It has taken me 32 years to realize I am indeed a spiritual person no matter how hard I have fought that fact. I grew up in a lot of religion and dogma, feeling completely suffocated in youth groups where teenagers were swaying and holding hands pledging their virginity while most were doing it in church parking lots right after. I cut off the religious part of me completely and used it as a reason to rebel only to find I was even that more entrenched in curiosity about what I believe about God and why the hell we are on this planet to begin with.
It has been an exhausting, amazing, thrilling, defeating ride.
The last few years I have been a kind of closet Oprah book fan, reading everything Tolle, Zukov, Chopra, or New Age in concept. I have studied Numerology and Astrology, opening myself up to amazing healing modalities, meditation, Reiki energy and learning everything I can possibly know about angels, guides, and saints. I believe I have had some amazing experiences and have taken bits and pieces of all religions to form my own path, and at the end of the day, the more I seem to know, the more I see how I don’t know one damn thing..
Like Desire, for instance. The Buddhists believe to be enlightened means to be living a life without desire so who in the hell wants to be enlightened then? I’m absolutely certain life would be perfectly great without suffering so therefore we should practice non attachment and blah blah blah blah. Sure there would be no suffering if we never desire anything but I really like my grande white chocolate mocha frappacino light with whip add a shot. I really like the idea of losing my mind in the bedroom to a man who gets the artistry of fool proof foreplay, and I know my mom would surely be disappointed to see her children not break into full out war over her soft baked chocolate chip cookies just coming out of the oven.
Like Clyde says, “Why not just be a rock then?”
I have learned a lot about these spiritual principles and I believe in them, I really do. Maybe one day I will be able to sit in the Lotis position, discard all thoughts that will bring me to feel suffering, and love will pour from every fiber of my being, and I will become one with the Universe.
Until that day, I kind of like chocolate Reeses peanut butter cups.
And I want to feel alive, swept away, overfed, and I want a man to break out into full out waves of despair at the idea of me being with anyone other than him. I want to be loved selfishly, over drink occasionally, and cry when my children leave me to start Kindergarten and second grade. I want them to need me forever.
I guess I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all…
And yes, I am going to eat that piece of cake and regret it later, kiss a boy who could eventually rip my heart out, see my children grow into women who need me less and less, and when they leave for that first day of college, I want to fall on the bed and cry like my life is over, the way my mom did when I left. Bleeding, loving, dying, fighting, praying, fucking, crying, laughing, suffering… I have a long way to go to enlightenment.
And that folks, is just alright with me.