My Craig’s List Search for a BFF


First, why would I be willing to go to Craig’s List for a BFF?
My soul sisters are scattered all over the place most of them married or engaged, having babies, exhausted. They are pumping milk, yelling at their husbands to have sex with them while ovulating, praying not to pee when they sneeze, all fat and pregnant. Its exhausting. I remember.
I did that at 22, and now at 32, am divorced, single, have two beautiful girls independent more by the day, am about to go back to school, wait tables, and have an agenda here.
My best friend is a man, 39 with no kids, and I love him. In fact, I have fabulous men in my life, my ex husband, my three brothers, great guy buddies.
But none of them have vaginas.
I am sending out a message to the Universe. Paris Hilton did it so why can’t I? All qualified BFF women please apply.
QUALIFICATIONS
1. A woman in late 20s to mid 30s who is Single, Dating, Divorced, Hot, and most importantly, a loving Mom. It would be great if she were as confused as me to what the hell all that means.
2. She has to be hilarious. Even better, she has to think I am hilarious. Dry wit, the ability to laugh at herself and me openly and often, sarcastic, and a blast to be around.
3. She has to be soulful. I need a friend who has no energy for drama, but has a passion for life, its lessons, has a humility that is beautiful, someone I know I can seek great wisdom and advice.
4. She has to be open. Is it possible there is a friend out there who has been through divorce, horrific dating phases, gone through it and has passed into the forgiveness stage of life? I can’t be around bitter, angry, revengeful women who hate men, a necessary stage, but one I have passed through.
5. She has to be tough. I want to have fun, get advice on kids and men, but I want someone who loves me enough to call me out on my bullshit, and who can take the same thing back, without it costing our relationship. I want her to require of herself what she requires of me. I love honest women.
6. She has to love women. Bitch, whore, and slut should all be names we use as terms of endearment. I have so many friends in their early 20s who are messes, but so was I. I have to have a friend who is so solid in who she is, gorgeous women don’t intimidate her, jealous girls make her feel compassion, psycho girls she can sniff out, warn me in advance.
7. She has to have a sense of direction. I get lost in grocery stores, would not leave the house without a GPS. Responsible but laid back would be great, enough so she doesn’t get pissed when I break, change, or make plans at last minute. If she can’t be spontaneous, she’ll hate me. If she isn’t organized, we will never go anywhere.
8. Takes photos nicely since I am going to be needing a good model, cooks while I clean, reads constantly, goes out in heels dressed up occasionally. Mostly, we’ll take the kids places, check out men over our sunglasses, text, make beach trips, oh, and she must love music. SHE MUST LOVE LIVE MUSIC.
9. Oh, and a boundary chick for sure. I can’t deal with needy black holes or someone who doesn’t have a life outside of me, a person who makes bad decisions over and over, clingy, or jealous. I want to be in her life and her to be in mine, a perfect fit, someone who loves me as I am and vice versa.
10. Lastly, if she loves to drive and lets me go shot gun, that is the icing on the cake. Hopefully, she will be the kind of girl that puts the window down, lets me put my feet out, and sings as loud as she can to the radio. I hope she is beautiful, fearless, and a complete nut, just like me. A nut, mess, or completely lost, at least she will be real, and I will love her forever.
Thats all I can think of at the moment. If you know this woman, drop her off on my doorstep. I will owe you for life….

7 thoughts on “My Craig’s List Search for a BFF

  1. Where exactly are you located.,..or region even. Or are you just looking for a BFF anywhere in the country?

  2. Oh my GOD! Seriously? I don’t even believe people read this thing!! I am in Atlanta, Duluth exactly, but yes I am looking for one close by, but BFFs anywhere would be beautiful!

  3. Hope its not too late to apply…I lost my mouse for a week, bought another one, but some one I barely even knew needed one and hey I just happened to have a new one…so I gave it away and went to buy a new one…but could not find one that “felt as good” as the one I gave away…finally I traveled to Alabama because, they had a really good deal on one for 1/2 off…Finally, with the perfect mouse in place, I realized that I forgot to pay my cable bill and the internet was cut off….by the time I had it reconnected I forgot about this blog, this post, and you…I would randomly receive emails from a “buddha” or was it a “pig”? blog….but quickly I’d hit the delete button…”gotta love spammers” I would think to my self….then one day I actually opened one of the post from this blog I had mysteriously “supposedly” subscribed to all on my own…adding to the pain? I had requested them to be delivered to my personal email inbox …..(this is still under investigation..)

    I can find my way out of the grocery store but I really don’t visit it much. Oh I can’t cook….I mean I CAN cook…I just don’t wanna…strangely it makes me feel like oil in a frying pain and it just gives me the creeps…okay, well I cooked for years and years…then… I got this air freshener that reminded me…I have a life you know? If I don’t have a life that night, I will produce a schedule of “to dos” so fast your head will spin…it will sound like I am leaving for the front lines of war before stopping off at the cleaners….I will make you “see” how much of a honor it is to be the cook, I will remind you how wonderful you are at it…plus you don’t want to have to do what I do…its just well, a lot of work…really….but I can wear heels and a dress on occasion…where are we going??? Man I hope its the office supply store….I can spend hours in there gazing at the hanging file folders…

    I drive too! Sometimes around in circles from talking too much and a 5 mile ride can take up to 50 mins…but hey I drive.

    Boundaries? No problem…after a couple of days with no contact, I tend to forget your alive….when I do my code word is “where are you?”

    The window is usually down in the car, but my feet are inside…as I am the driver….you are free to put your feet out the window, but careful cause I will likely forget they are there and when I get a chill or cant hear my own self talk….I will hit the “auto roll your window up” button and the rest is history…

    Spontaneous and Responsible are my fine points but I am not sure how that happened? They say its really just ADD masked well….

    I can sniff out a lie and bullshit from thirty miles away….I can also lie and bullshit oh wait, that wasn’t one of the requirements….oh well an added bonus?

    On #1 could you explain further? I am super confused to what all that gibberish means….

    I can text and drive on occasion…although this is AGAINST the law….but I will likely just complain that I can not be required to do this…but will require you to….which automatically just qualified me for #2…

    I cant check out men under my sunglasses, I lost those last week…but if I find them and can remember this, sure…if he is holding scrapbook paper…

    organization is my attribute….let me know what small area we are working in and I will organize that area to organizational heaven. Careful as you walk through the rest of the house to get there….that part will be a little undone…..

    wisdom? I am too young for that….you cant be HOT and WISE….that wisdom stuff comes with age…I am hot but I thought it was the seat warmers???

    I am a good guesser though….seriously. I will guess your age right NOW….ummm…..33!!!!!!!!! Am I right???

    I collect beautiful books, the ones with the really nice paper….I “read” books to collect (and smell the freshly printed press)… I actually “skim” through my collections….accuse me of this? I will remind you of why I qualified for this position and convince you to retract your accusations or else….

    Lastly, I am i love with all things kids! I have three of those little guys….I LOVE to spend quality time with those rascals….for me its QUALITY NOT QUANTITY….a good 5 mins invested is far greater spent than 5 hours of having my foot 1/2 way out the door in the middle of a panic attack…

    Hope I answered or addressed all of your questions…if not well your just a @(*^!@!$@!@#!…and I mean that in the most enduring way….

    If this position is available, you will need to apply to the address above…What? Did you think I was going to require less of you than I require of myself? Like DUH!!!!!!!!

    You will be interviewed several times by me with a lot of “why” questions…you will not be allowed to ask me ANY questions, for I am the interviewer….and thats all I will say about that….

    If this position is already filled…great…you sucked regardless….

    wait???

    What position was I applying for?

  4. You applied for the position as “Miss Understood” lady, most likely proving you are awake at ungodly hours, FINALLY admitted on typed public text you DO NOT answer questions, are TOTALLY my mirror cause I don’t know what the hell #1 was about, use )&^()*&^%%$$ instead of curse words like a proper lady, are NOT doing goals for business but instead are replying to this blog, look at men with sunglasses on who are totally gay which is a good tactic so thank you, and you have seat warmers too?

    I hope all those books are on sale, that you have carefully tabbed and nicely printed labels and files because most likely you will lose them in a fit to organize, refuse to share your car air conditioner so thank God it isn’t personal, will make me “see” about a whole bunch of s**t, and on occasion I will accept a side hug or pat to ensure you are not a soul gazer, and are you sure, really sure you have three kids?

    You driving is a huge plus, seeing as I might do something illegal as well, like put you in jail for paying for a Starbucks or pop a wheelie in effort to get to a Binders sale, but that is only excitement driven from your man’s playlist, “You Think Your Cooler Than Me” is a huge motivating force if I ever feel judged for hoarding crafts, by the way, is that mouse comment a dig at the fact I have yours? Hmmm. We’ll have to settle that.

    Clearly you are a liar which makes you an honest liar, to admit you lie, a plus, seeing as I have yet to witness a grocery store trip, bullshit on the “OCCASIONAL” text and drive, kitchens make you feel like oil but you sure do love to photograph baked goods and eat salmon and Chick fil a, HELLO red flag, which is okay, a little lying takes down the big liars, like Narcissists, Paranoid Delusional Boyfriends who live in trash piles, tape recorders set up to trap Photoshop Geniuses, and you never know I may occasionally pull one by you, like the fact I haven’t given back a pen I really liked and pray you don’t notice, and you require way too much for yourself so you can eliminate that question entirely.

    Well, seeing as no one else has the ability to have the killer instinct to research the word “fractile” on cue, are a good guesser since you thought Buddha was my religion, that I made out with a lamp, but all these petty details can be completely eliminated by the “jail” and “scrapbook sharing” so your position is now filled, mainly because you are a lot more sarcastic than even me, make Divorcee uncomfortable when we fight, and have finally after day one of avoiding my ass, have finally proven that you in fact,

    know how to write. . . . .

    I will provide you with concepts and strategies and talk a lot for marketing if you continue with that smelling bullshit finesse you have, will teach me all you know about photographing blueberries, will conceal my identity if my stalker father emerges, explain to me slowly and carefully what makes a man autistic and schizophrenic, just in case I have one storing garbage in his basement.

    Now WAIT a second, you forgot to pay the internet, which is funny, most be a habit since you forgot to tell me you are a working professional with a lot of skills, or that you like the smell of danger, the rush hits when you have 3 hours to do two or three days of work, which is kind of successful seeing as it is like me, again, I never saw you wear a dress!
    Hmph. Must have been date night with your hubby.

    I love that man.

    He is pretty good at photographing as well, as well as picking out lady panties on sale so keep him around and wait,
    what were you applying for?

    I think I said yes, but tomorrow won’t remember the questions, which you will repeat you said to me three times, that I must not have been listening, so show it to me again the day before you want to start because I get a little confused as to when or if you will go to Alabama or a shoot, need a camera or visit a hospital, return items or end up in Walmart or perhaps I will get lucky and you
    will actually end up at my house, or the Ihop, and if I can’t get to the message, it is because I am in a private office with the opposite sex or sleeping two hours of the night, so please don’t threaten to take my crafts away. I will just do better, tell you I am committed, let you say “I know!” loudly, not over talk, yes, a skill I have yet to own, so let me put it on my “weak” list since my little 6 page answers that were within and deeply felt and written were bullshit, mainly because I believe I wrote them for you, which I didn’t, but if I were, you would not know it, since you get grossed out by love junk, even though I do believe I heard some amazing romantic songs dedicated to you about your eyes.

    And don’t lie, when you are away, you shake, rip apart books that have pages about keys, obsessively fill your car with items to “relieve your anxiety” when I know the real truth.

    You got hired and forgot you actually already sent me the application.
    It may have been put in the wrong Katie’s hands, so you know the truth, but with your investigation skills, I am sure you will discover I am exactly a *()&$)&$_@$&*4r0, but in the most enduring way.

    I think if you wanted, maybe we could go to a lighting workshop when we should be shooting a wedding, stay up all night cutting pieces of teeny paper and writing post it notes instead of editing images, call out every narcissist and interview them in the phone book, and in the ten minutes we spare before falling over dead with exhaustion,
    make incredible art, art so good it goes down it history, become famous and rich, and realize that DUH, it had been the plan all along.

    It was the vampire sucking leaches faults for making us drag it out that way, but under pressure, we can most likely manage, as long as you remember I am committed, praise me at every moment I shine, validate that I am your BFF and not someone you have to drag around because they need ink or forgot a cord, and cut through bullshit so thick I may be so stunned and shocked that I finally realize once again, “I have met my equal.”
    Then, we can start all over.
    You’re hired.
    NOW GET TO WORK.

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