W h Y P Ho T o G r A p H y
It has taken me 32 years to put the following thoughts together…
1. When I got a Pink Polaroid at age 7, Nutmeg and Ginger, my dogs, would no longer sleep with me because I would dress them up, prop them with pillows and stuffed animals, give them bows and pearls, and shoot polaroids for hours. I think it was the jean jacket when Nutmeg said, “Enough is Enough.”
2. When my ex husband lost his job, I had to sell thousands of camera equipment to pay our mortgage. It broke my heart. I made him package it all together, not without me glancing at the “winner” from Arkansas, trying not to hate her guts
3. I would rather cuddle with a Canon 5d Mark II then a boyfriend, even if he gives great back rubs.
4. I watch the Photographer more than the Bride at weddings. Not on purpose. I get distracted by shiny lenses.
5. My favorite part of Christmas has always been the fridge photo. I try to be as different as possible because I can not stand the typical Khaki pants family portrait everyone sends. I dress mine up like Halloween characters, or build a sleigh, make props, like this one I built for last year.
6. It makes me come alive to catch my children when they aren’t watching.
These moments are like Christmas dinner, all year long.
wHaT dO i hOpe tO aCComPlisH wHilE I’m hErE…..
This has been the one question I have actually had to think about, the others came so freely. Some are very simple, and others not. I’ll just list them, no specific order.
1. I have mastered the art of failure. I have had some rocky years. What I just recently learned about myself, is that I am more afraid of success, of my own power, and I have many fears that the Circus is bringing to the surface, terrifying me, wanting me to hide under my covers. I want to accomplish still standing at the end, graduating, a moment of success I can point to, show myself what I am capable of.
2. I am an amateur who likes photos. I want to walk out of the circus a professional who takes great photos.
3. I love people. I want to accomplish a network of people who take this journey, professionally and personally, and I want to show up for them as a friend, a respected colleague, as a source they can confidently give to any working person in the industry, and vice versa.
4. I want the Circus to help me find my nitch, discover my best style and how to market it, be the stamp that makes my brilliant teachers proud, and finally, I am not being silly, but I plan on meeting Rob Dyrdek, the famous skateboarder from the techniques I learn about film and cinematography. I wrote a blog about wanting to find him, and I have acquired 5000 followers who I have promised with the ideas in my head to meet this celebrity through the venues I learn here, the end of these two years will produce a film where all my ideas can be executed, all my haters and supporters can watch the story unfold, and when it does, I will have blogged the entire experience through the process, something I think will make me famous.
5. I’m terrified that my girls will not have me when they are crying, see me and assume I don’t miss them, get sick during panel, that the money will be so tight I wont have gas, the projects not what I want them to be because waiting tables part time wont cut it. What I want to get out of the Circus is my two girls seeing there mother fight for this, and I have a small window, Lola being in Kindergarten, to do this, to do it with all my soul, to fight, to climb, to make a way for us as a family. I have been given this one opportunity, and unlike my 20s, I value it, just sitting in this class is a huge mountain, and to change my life, is to change theirs.
I hope to honor them, not waste a gift given, humbly take any criticism offered, and Norm quoted my favorite FAVORITE line of all time.
“Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
I hope to become the most perfect imperfection, and I have no idea how I am going to pull this one off.
There are a lot of cracks, many risks, and who would I be if I were a successful?
Perhaps the light shall show me.
I do a lot of things small, but dreaming is not one of them.