One Word. Cyber Crush.

I have my first ever cyber crush.
It’s ridiculous.
He is about the size of my thumb nail, which is why I suppose they call them thumbnails..
Who knew?
He writes, and has a blog, and looks like the character off Lord of the Rings, the hot one.
Wait. Maybe that is the ACTUAL guy off Lord of the Rings, but a girl can dream.
He came up with this awesome idea I “StumbledUpon” which is the best invention since the Pregnant Snuggy.
I wrote on Rejection. I wrote about Paper Clips.
And the other day, he inspired me to write this.

I still know that house. I loved all the smells, the Kroger lady who always waved, the shed I crafted furniture late in the night, the Raulph Lauren Satin paint, the green chair, not any green, the perfect green, vintage but not.
I had made plans with that sweet little house, and we shook hands in ink..
The energy of it filled my heart and lungs, like a love balloon.
I am sorry little house.
I took away all of your insides and they were held and passed by dirty greedy fingers picking up and dropping, breaking, departing.
“Yes,” a dollar would be fine. I cringed, my head low.
I noticed my vintage wedding gown hanging from a flagpole flying like a red flag, draping the sky, a homemade tag flapping in the harsh April breeze.
I decided to photograph it.
It burns, the smoke of that home, the trails of dark choking chalk dust lies, the flame I followed to freedom.
It took years of wanderings, smoke signals spotted and lost, just like my dreams, grief pounding my heart like bread dough.
And so, I went to an advertising school, for photography, actually.
I became alive just like I did when I smelt Raulph Lauren paint, the way I felt in my perfect vintage green chair,
my favorite shade of green.
I had spotted the vintage dress with the tag in the April breeze, hadn’t I?
Perhaps I could capture something else.
Something even bigger than the promises I broke to my favorite house.
The one that left big dark holes in my heart where my soul once danced.
And so, Lola, on my bed today, said she wished for all her heart for one thing.
She closed her perfect eyes, her little breath tickled in and out on my cheek.
“What love?” I asked. “Is it from Toy’s R Us?” I sipped coffee, thinking of emails to send.
She shook her head no, her little hands gripping her stuffed bear.
“I wish with my whole whole heart for you to quit Photogwaphy Sckwool,”
her broken baby words finished quickly behind.
“So that mommy always has time for Lola,” and my heart stopped.
…The little house came flooding back, the one I spent all my time with Lola,
the one I had rocked and rocked her, in the perfect green chair, my favorite shade of green.

Oh, and Phoenix, thank you. You know I had to include this, the perfect song…..

2 thoughts on “One Word. Cyber Crush.

  1. I shook hands with myself saying I would follow my dreams no matter what. I would not let anyone stand in the way. What I failed to realize is that they would change and that it was not only going to be okay that they would change, but it was to be expected that they would.

    Lola will understand and she will see that the choices you made were for her and she will learn to not only accept you for teh choices you have made but I beleive she will embrace you for those chance and choiuces and the COURAGE you had to make them.

    Hold to that dear friend. Hold to that. πŸ™‚

  2. Poor Lola. But she will understand one day why mommies make these choices: to make better lives for their babies. πŸ™‚ Love you

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