I text and drive but NEVER do I text and read. I could kill you on the road but what happens if I have to reread a whole page?
People who dislike me and don’t know me fascinate me.
I should NEVER work for a corporation. It annoys me they send out “SPIES” for secret shopping devices, so I was a horrid shelver, actually putting them in the wrong order on purpose to fight the system. When I personally sold more margaritas than an entire other store and was told with a pat, “Thanks, Katie. You sent my family on a cruise,” I decided to only sell Merlot from then on.
I also found it is not okay to negotiate tips with camera equipment, to introduce my trainees as my husband who is too insecure to be left at home, and am blamed and sent to roll silverware whenever group talking happens, just to be chastised as the talking would follow me to the silver station.
If you like children that aren’t your own and I don’t know you, I become immediately suspicious. Not of child molestation, but of your loyalty, certain friends thought my baby brothers growing up were adorable and ignored me.
If a guy wants to be my girlfriend, that man I adore all the sudden is suspect for stalking, withholding sex and love, may suck me dry and leave dead roses in my mailbox. If you don’t text right away, and I look at my phone pissed, I smell love in the air.
If you are a woman and hate other women, especially if they are skinny, smart, or beautiful, I can’t stand you. You are the reason women do not rule the world, not men. If all of women at once united to decide to not have sex with men for a really good reason, think about what could happen? Duh. Female genitalia being cut off in other countries would be solved faster than a Super Bowl commercial.
I like it when people change my mind.
I LOVE LOVE a good paradox. For instance, Clyde may be IT and wear a scarf but sends me texts such as he roofied me, he may kick my small child, and that he fed his dog kittens. He even mutes me out of conference calls cause I get turned on by IT talk.
Divorcee I always hear demeaning the animals, talks to them about their problems, the gas, calls them names, makes them a deal with their begging and scratching issues, calls them codependent and nasty while handing out a treat, but is always the most heartbroken of all when they “finally” die.
The Collector could attempt to have sex with me in a garbage can or side of a highway if I let him but is totally against hotel sheets. He says you don’t know what is on them.
Thelma will roll her eyes when I meet a friend, her sarcasm so thick it is her top BFF rated quality. She thinks people are freaks but lights up over a seminar with free goody bags, even if she paid 1000 bucks for the seminar. She is the mother of three who avoids all child related talks to discuss exposing people with hidden voice recorders, gags when complimented, and I saw respect when I threatened to burn her crafts, two bulls meeting at a line you don’t cross. It was kill her or love her, so I love her.
Harpua, the single Buckhead lifetime Bachelor who is a fan of partying and hot women, actually loathes almost all of them. He hates how they put their feet in those tiny big heels for social status reasons to just dent up HIS FLOOR, who tell HIM that he is smart which makes them an idiot, and one even told him to write his Congressman. He says they are evil and that makes him a victim of them, especially since he is a red head, a Ginger, who he believes are persecuted.
Lola tells people regularly she is a child genius and maybe she is, for when I asked her why then can’t she remember to clean her room, her response is,
“Because you have to figure out how to train me.”
Clyde’s big answer to the supposed Universe always is “Why are ghosts not naked then?”
When I told The Collector for 30 minutes why he doesn’t make me feel like he is a good communicator, his response?
“I really need to get some post it notes.”
Divorcee gave me a card once that read, “I love you more than movies.” That was big since I usually get kicked out of the house when the Golden Globes come on.
Maybe these are just people I find and collect, for what I have found in my years of talking too much is that the best people are hidden under a cloak of mystery, the ones who love love love you will stab you and steal and laugh at you for it, the ones who say you belong in a trailer may be the exact person who would lay down their life for you on the spot.
I told Thelma I was dying for a bag that fit all my stuff so she “came across one totally worthless and happened to be in my area.”
When I said Thank You she replied, “Get a life.”
I told The Collector I no longer am his girlfriend because he was far sweeter before, like always asking for me to be his girlfriend, and his text today? “Will you be my girlfriend?”
Harpua despises women and claims not to remember it, but he said in a drunken moment, that I may just be his equal. I am perfectly aware he doesn’t remember most our conversations, nor does he know who Divorcee is still, or why I have carpool.
But he said I was his equal.
If it makes no sense, it is perfect sense, the ultimate paradox, and for me, it has made my life that much more beautiful.
- Post Break Up Realities (buddhathepig.wordpress.com)