Have you ever had a moment, this sudden crystal clear moment of understanding and clarity, a hit on the head from a complete opposite point of view? You don’t mean to change. You literally ARE changed, forever.
That happened to me tonight.
I saw for the first time in my whole life, I had become something I’m not, a characteristic of myself I would have argued you to the grave would never have existed in me.
I SAW I BECAME SOMETHING I HATED.
It shocked me, like a cold blow to the pinky toe when your running past the corner, unaware the edge of your couch was coming in direct proportion and speed as your pinky toe. The moment is nothing but pure vulgarity as you grab the source of pain, holding it pounding, pumping blood at a faster and faster pace, ensuring you that not only did your pain control your mouth, it might never end.
Then it does.
I saw this part of me I had been fooling, an idea I had built for myself, an idea propped with naive denial in epic proportions, completely and honestly stupid amounts of unawareness.
How do you explain such a thing?
Let’s try “Go- Go Dancing.”
For my logical readers, not literally, I’m just trying to illustrate a point.
Let’s say your entire life you spend believing you are the best “Go -Go Dancer” that ever lived, a goddess you were in this field, a proclaimed, bragged upon, stealth of a “Go-Go Dancer.”
Then, on an ordinary day, driving home you watch a You Tube clip for just a moment, let’s say a five second “Go Go” clip from your Iphone, not for any particular reason than you show up aware that day, which blows you away.
There is nowhere to run cover.
You are alone, in rush hour, the truth smashed in your face.
“You are NOT ONLY NOT THE BEST GO GO DANCER THAT EVER LIVED, in fact,
YOU are a SHITTY ASS HAVE NO RHTHYM “Go Go Dancer.”
You imagine the “Simon” of “Go Go Dancing” eating you to shreds.
How could this be happening!
You TEACH “Go -Go” dancing, for a bunch of fools you now see for the first time, who are being taken, paying YOU for “Go Go Dancing TIps”, the clip of what you just played, stuck in your mind’s eye.
“How could people not have told you? ”
You are moving from shock to horror.
Wait. They did. Many times.
Instead of thanking them for the information you’re pretty much the worst “Go-GO Dancer‘ ever lived, you got angry. You did not even break a little, just grateful someone was saving you from mortification, loving you enough to show you that the truth of your life was in fact, not built on truth.
Instead, you got REALLY angry.
It caused division, amongst most the people you love, all separate but unified in telling you that if you looked further, you might find some requirements on teaching “Go Go” to others, clearly because you had no business DOING IT, much less TEACHING IT.
Then you realize.
You are without a doubt, the lowest of all the low, remorse pounding out you like an empty glass, once full of liquor, now bottomed out.
“You are not a “Go Go” dancer“, you say alone and out loud to yourself, many times.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
Shame shoots up your body like a flaming shot of alcohol lit on fire, hits so hard you have now landed on your ass.
But not the bad shame, the self loathing and tears for the ego, oh no.
This is the good stuff.
The shame that makes you look around and hate something about yourself, in one ego breaking soulful shining moments of tears and remorse.
It is almost too unbelievable, the nights awake, the journals, the books and self help so that this tragedy never occur, you know, all the training and STILL,
You had become something you hate.
These tears are different than crocodile tears, sold out excuse tears, for all the petty bullshit you use to feel sorry for yourself.
These tears rip you in places truth and light needs to shine, the harsh truth to these tears show you actually as you are, no filters, clothing objectionable, so you sit naked and let it shred.
You now understand with clarity that you don’t deserve the life you have, if after this awakening or crumbling you have just experienced, to not just make radical changes, but to also confess.
You know with heart racing and names racing, who you will call first and apologize.
Then you put your face down, lift your hands, shaking, to something so greater than yourself, you thought YOU could fool it, and you cry, ask, thank, and forgive.
You are just honored to have its grace even though you have behaved so ungracefully. You close your eyes in fright, knowing those people saw that clip and knew all along you were faking “Go Go Dancing,” KNEW this about you, while some had offered up suggestion, others pointed and screamed at it, but yet, these same people are still around?
That, my friends, is the power of Grace.
Like for me, having a BFF like Thelma.
It peels you.
It cuts open and rips your gut out.
It purifies you.
Your eyes still burn from the flame as it pushes and rises. This feeling you recognize as passion, a new word to an old cynical heart. That heart has been replaced.
As if just removed from your chest like a pop tart flying into the air, caught by a fiery pan, so was the change in that heart, like pancakes, flipped and caught, flipped and caught, still beating and put right back in your chest.
A new heart. That doesn’t happen often to me, at this age of absolute stubborn identity.
All I can say, is I am so sorry for being that.
I am only forgiven by learning and being the better for it, no loss but my own to be sabotaging the very life I aim to create.
The question to study to ensure you never are that again?
I do believe I have that down. The answer being,
“How did I become that?”
It’s the answer I shall be seeking, but for now, off to bed.
I had planned on ending this blog with the year of writing, papers all around me, pushed to sequence, a grand finale. What do I know anymore? I do know this.
“I’m not who I’m going to be…
“I”m not where I want to be..
“But thank God, I ain’t what I was.”